The Realities of Caregiving

Ashley* flew home to Chesapeake for Christmas in 2015 to discover that her mom was not doing well. Chronic health problems had led her to develop an addiction to medication, which had caused dangerous complications.

Ashley quit her job and moved back home to care for her mom full-time. “It’s constant responsibility—worrying and doing absolutely everything for her,” she said. Ashley juggles her and her mother’s finances, disagreements with siblings over how to care for their mom, and constant emotional overwhelm.

“Everyone’s aware of the physical exhaustion [of caregiving],” Ashley said. “For me, the emotional side is harder. You can’t talk to your friends about this—they don’t really understand. But it’s all I have to talk about.”

Although Ashley has felt isolated as a caregiver, data shows that she is far from alone. According to a report by the AARP Public Policy Institute, 980,000 family caregivers in Virginia provided 920 million hours of unpaid care for their loved ones in 2021. The value of their labor was estimated to be $14.3 billion.

In our work at Senior Services, we see the often invisible labor of dedicated caregivers every day. Through our Senior Companion Program and In-Home Services, we offer respite for family caregivers. But we know the need is far greater than the resources available.

Emily* is a caregiver for three. Her husband has Alzheimer’s disease, and her son and stepdaughter both have Down Syndrome. Although she considers herself a born nurturer, the responsibilities at home weigh on her.

She and Ashley both emphasized the importance of community with other caregivers. Through caregiver events and support groups, they have felt the comfort of being, as Ashley described, “someplace where people understand.”

In Norfolk, Gina has been caring for her husband since 2014, and the demands of his care have grown since the beginning. “Before, he was able to walk and go to the store. Now he doesn’t want to do anything. It’s hard to see him change.”

Gina admits she doesn’t do enough to take care of herself. She counts the time she spends coloring with her husband, reading, or walking outside as her only breaks. But she also dreads the day when she may be unable to care for him. “People tell me I have to start thinking about putting him in a facility. But if I have my way, he’ll never go.”

The uncertainty of the future also troubles Ashley. “I promised [Mom] I would never put her in a home,” she said. “We’re not wealthy; I can’t put her someplace that caters to her every need.”

Emily is more resolved that things will eventually have to change. Knowing that she won’t be around to care for her family forever, she has begun hiring companions through Catholic Charities to help occasionally. “I hope that might get [my husband] used to someone else.”

All three women feel fiercely protective of their loved ones and committed to whatever lies ahead, even as they acknowledge the toll caregiving takes. “I never knew it would be this hard,” Ashley said.

If you or someone you know is a caregiver, review the resources below: